Sanity Lost
by SpecialAgentSloane
Summary: Albus Potter questions his existence as the line blurs between reality and illusion. Warnings: drug use, slash, language, dark themes such as schizophrenia, violence, etc.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Sanity Lost

Author: SpecialAgentSloane

Rating: M

Summary: Albus Potter questions his existence as the line blurs between reality and illusion.

Warnings: drug use, slash, language, dark themes such as schizophrenia, violence, etc.

Note: You're allowed to skip the introduction if you'd like.

When Albus Potter was sorted into Slytherin, his whole world collapsed beneath him. He refused to show it, though, which – the sorting hat couldn't help but remark – was a very serpent-like thing to do.

After professor Longbottom removed the hat, Albus slid off of the stool at the front of the Great Hall and made his way over to the watchful students that blended into a mass of silver and green. Upon reaching the table, the Slytherins closest to him slid to make room. He was surprised, but he sat down regardless. When the other students began speaking to him, he was ever more surprised. From all that he had heard, Potters and Slytherins did not mix well. But he was treated as one of their own. It was as if there was nothing heinously different or wrong about a Potter sitting amongst the serpents.

By the time the first years were shown to their dormitory and changed into their sleepwear, Albus had spoken to the six other boys that were now his dorm mates. Because of his speed, he had gotten the best bed, at least in his opinion. It was the one right by the window showing the murky depths of the Black Lake and the mysterious creatures that lurk beneath the surface.

As he fell into bed, exhausted from the long, tiresome day, Albus's mind wandered.

_Cunning…resourceful…a good leader…hesitant, but determined, you can be very stubborn and rebellious at times…yes, I'm thinking…SLYTHERIN._

Letting out a sigh, he drifted to sleep wondering why he ever thought he would be a Gryffindor in the first place.

_Five years later…_

"Al, come sit with me!"

Albus Potter flashed Alicia a grin. "I can't, gorgeous. Business to attend to."

Scorpius Malfoy rolled his eyes as the two boys stepped out of the common room and into the dark dungeons. "Stop leading the girl on, Al."

"You're one to talk," Albus smirked. "You and Elena?"

"_You _and Cassie," Scorpius retorted. "And Elliot, and Genevieve, and that poor Ravenclaw boy, what's his name…"

"Taylor," Albus responded as they finished their ascent to the fourth floor corridor. "That's just a bit of fun. He nearly jizzes himself every time I smile at him, let alone actually speak to him."

Scorpius wrinkled his nose. "You're a disgusting creature, Albus Potter."

Al slung his arm around the blond boy's neck, green eyes flashing with amusement. "Ah, but you love me."

"Usually."

The boys reached their destination and Albus looked down the hall to make sure no one was looking. When he was sure it was safe, he nodded to Scorpius who knocked on the door four times quickly, then added a fifth moments later.

The door opened and the boys were greeted by a tall student with dark hair, light eyes, and sickly pale skin.

"What is our decision?" he asked, voice scratchy.

"Live fast and die young," Albus drawled smoothly.

A smile broke across the strange boys face as he stepped aside to let the Slytherin boys in. "Albus Potter, Scorpius Malfoy, I'm Vince Rockford, and this is my workshop."

Scorpius raised an eyebrow, his silvery gray eyes disbelieving. Looking around, Albus couldn't help but mirror his expression. The dark, dingy classroom looked like it hadn't seen life in decades, and there weren't any potions ingredients in sight.

"Unimpressive, I know, but this is where the magic happens," Rockford assured them. "We're not working on anything right now, but we have our Special Brew ready for you."

Just as he said it, another boy appeared from another room in the back holding a vial containing a deep, purplish-red liquid topped with a dropper.

"Ten sickles," Rockford said.

Scorpius eyed the vial as he held out the money. "How strong is it?"

"Very potent stuff," the other boy stated. "I advise you only use a drop at a time. It's easy to use too much."

Albus grinned. "Can we try it now?"

The boy shrugged. "I don't see why not."

Albus took the vial and turned to Scoripus.

"Mouth open, head back," he commanded.

Scorpius smirked. "Trying to have your wicked way with me?"

Albus held the dropper close to Scorpius's mouth until he complied.

"That's it, on the back of your tongue," Rockford said.

After giving a bit to Scorpius, Albus dripped some into his own mouth.

The taste was disgusting.

"Would it kill you to flavor the stuff?" Albus demanded as he attempted to hold back a gag.

The second boy shrugged. "We never saw a reason to."

Scorpius grinned at Albus.

"Shut up," Albus grumbled.

"You'll feel the effects within the next ten minutes," Rockford said. "Let us know how your experience is."

Scorpius and Albus shook hands with the two.

"Have fun," the smaller boy whose name was Mars said.

"Good luck," Rockford added.

As the effects began to hit him, Albus wondered whether or not they'd really need it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: Hey. So. It's been an extremely long time since I've updated, and I'm soooo sorry! Anyway. Here is Chapter Two of Sanity Lost, a story that I'm actually quite proud of.**

It was after that night that Albus Potter could not stop watching Scorpius Malfoy. He was his best friend, his closest companion, but Albus kept watching, admiring…him.

"Albus Severus Potter."

Albus jumped, focusing once more. Having just gotten out of the shower, Scorpius was standing in the middle of the room as he toweled his hair dry, covered only in emerald green pajama bottoms that contrasted well with his pale skin. His defined chest and abdomen were left uncovered, and his hair was in disarray, something few people had the privilege of witnessing.

"You're doing it again," Scorpius sighed, throwing his towel on the trunk at the foot of his bed.

"Hm?" Albus replied, trying to prevent his eyes from wandering.

With purposeful strides, Scorpius moved to stand right in front of the desk chair Albus was sitting in. Placing his hands on either side of him, the Slytherin boy leaned down. "You're zoning out, and I keep having one-sided conversations. You make me feel like Rosie."

Albus smiled at his statement, taking note of their close proximity and attempting to ignore it. "I don't mean to."

Scorpius allowed himself a small smile. "I know you don't," he said, brushing the black, unruly hai out of his best friend's green eyes. "I hate it when you're like this, Al."

"Like what?" Albus asked, eyes innocent.

This time, Scorpius' smile was sad. "When the depression hits you hard like this, and you don't let me help you."

Albus shook his head. "You can't help me, Scorp."

"I can try," Scorpius said softly.

Their eyes locked, and Albus realized that it was moments like these that made people question just how close the boys really were.

No one but Scorpius was _ever _allowed to see Ablus in this state, though.

And he knew that was what they both preferred.

Scorpius Malfoy was a lot of things, but perfect was not one of them. At least that's what he tried to explain to Albus.

"You've got that whole Aristocratic thing going for you, but you're still nice to everyone, "Al was saying as they entered the Great Hall. "You're good in school, but you're not a complete geek, and you're freakishly intelligent without being an ass."

Scorpius burst out laughing at his blunt statement. Only Albus Potter could make him lose control like that in front of so many people.

"Me, I'm a bit of a delinquent," Albus continued, knowing full well his antics amused Scorpius. "Incredibly good-looking, yes, but that goes without saying. It's in the Potter genes, you know."

Scorpius nodded. "Yes, I know."

"Dunno what happened to James, though," Al added, and Scorpius smirked. He didn't mention what Albus hated to hear, though.

As Louis Weasley put it, James was the handsome one, and Albus was the pretty one. Both attractive, both similar in looks, but there were a few key differences.

James was tall and solid, a wall of muscle made apparent after years of being a beater on the Gryffindor team. He was tan with brown hair, dark eyes, and a wolfish smile. His features were strong.

Albus, on the other hand, was only just taller than average. He was lean with a seeker's build, though he refused to play on the Slytherin team due to his hatred of commitment and organized sport. Al wasn't as tan as his brother. He had ink black hair, very green eyes, and a cunning smirk. His features were delicate, almost Elfin.

James was handsome, Albus was beautiful, and they were both referred to by many witches in the school as "those gorgeous Potter boys."

"Speak of the devil," Al said.

"Oi, Al!" The eldest Potter son called from the entrance of the Great Hall. "Did you do something to your face, or have you always been that ugly?"

"I take after my brother," Albus retorted. "You should see him; he's hideous."

James approached the two with a smile. "Ah, Malfoy, looking as cheery as ever."

Scorpius raised an eyebrow, and only then realized that he wore his expressionless mask, a trait carried by all Malfoys.

"Always lovely to see you, Potter," he replied drily, walking away from the brothers and finding a seat at the Slytherin table.

"Good morning." He greeted the students nearest him coolly.

"Good morning, Scorpius," Elena returned.

Elena was beautiful. She had wide, brown, almond shaped eyes and long, wavy, chestnut brown hair. Her skin was olive-toned, and her body had curves in all of the right places.

And that was why he could never tell anyone that he felt no attraction to her, because no one would understand.

Scorpius nodded to her. "Elena."

"How is your mother? I hope she is in good health," she inquired.

Elena Vladek, like Scorpius, came from a very aristocratic family.

"She's well," Scorpius confirmed. "As always, she misses your presence around the Manor, and she often speaks of the year our families went on holiday together."

Elena smiled in the prim way they both learned from their parents as children. "My mother says she and Astoria are planning a weekend away to visit London."

"My mother mentioned something of the sort," Scorpius said. "Something about needing a new smock, though I'm at a loss as to what that means."

Elena laughed, and Scorpius smiled. He liked Elena; he really did. They had known each other since they were children. He just didn't feel…

"It's a dress, but some silly women decided to give it a special name."

…or maybe he could learn to love her…

Somehow.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: Oh snap. Shit's starting to get intense. Tell me what you think of this chapter! I hope you love it. :D**

* * *

><p>Breakfast ended and Scorpius made his way to Potions. After walking in and finding his seat, he grew slightly anxious. If Al didn't get to class soon, Scorpius might get paired with someone he didn't like, and Albus might get paired with someone who wouldn't force him to do work.<p>

"I have impeccable timing if I say so myself…which I do."

Scorpius rolled his eyes and turned to face the dark-haired boy. "Where did you run off to this morning?"

"Had to get something from the dorm" was his reply…but something didn't seem right.

Scorpius leaned forward and sniffed, eyes widening.

"I thought you said you weren't going to take that stuff anymore," he hissed.

At that moment, Slughorn entered the room and boomed out a greeting to class before beginning to write on the board at the front of the room.

"I said I wouldn't use it often," Al retorted.

"During class is _not_ the time to be drinking strange potions," Scorpius snapped.

Albus grinned manically. "No time like the present. Besides, I used _before_ class. There's a huge difference."

Scorpius was appalled. "There is no difference whatsoever."

"Now, now," Slughorn cut into their conversation with a jolly smile. "Stop the bickering and start preparing your potion!"

"Yes, Professor," Scorpius muttered.

"That's the spirit, young Malfoy," Slughorn clapped Scorpius on the shoulder.

"Professor," Albus said. "I have a personal matter to attend to. May I please be excused from class?"

"Yes, yes," Slughorn nodded seriously. "See that you get notes from Malfoy here. And tell your father hello for me!"

"I'll do that, sir," Albus said politely.

When Slughorn turned away from them, Albus grinned wildly at Scorpius. "I'm off, then."

"This isn't okay," Scorpius growled.

Albus paused. "You didn't say that before."

With that, he left the classroom, taking his bag with him.

* * *

><p>Albus Potter didn't dance often, but lately, he loved to dance any time he was given the chance.<p>

"You seem different," Lexia breathed wetly against his ear as their bodies writhed to the music. "You seem…crazier."

Albus laughed and spun her around so her back was to his chest. "Maybe I am different."

"What were you telling me about earlier?" she asked. "The potion your friend is selling?"

"It's his Special Brew," he replied, making their bodies shimmy low while still making full contact. "Two galleons, but well worth the money."

"I'll take your word for it." Lexia reached into her bra for the money and dropped it into Albus' hand before he handed her a bottle.

"A few drops on your tongue will do it," he said.

She dripped it onto her tongue, and then made a face. It quickly went away when he kissed her though. He tasted the potion on her lips, and felt everything around him grow that much clearer. The lights had more colors, the music more layers, and Lexia became even more goddess-like in her beauty.

A few minutes later she breathed, "This is amazing.

And it was.

* * *

><p>Scorpius Malfoy didn't socialize with strangers willingly. Anytime he went out somewhere, it was because Albus wanted to go, and Scorpius wanted to be where Albus was.<p>

This time, he went for the sole purpose of finding Albus because the boy had been avoiding him.

He wished he never found the raven-haired Slytherin.

They were doing more than grinding, those two on the dance floor. This was sex with clothes on. This was…something Albus would never do in front of other people.

Scorpius somehow found himself storming up to the pair.

"We need to talk."

No response.

Scorpius grabbed Albus' arm and yanked him from the girl who continued to dance, madly twirling even after Albus was no longer against her. A new partner filled his place soon enough.

"Get off," Albus snarled. His face was pale and gaunt, the hands that shoved Scorpius seeming too large compared with the rest of him.

He had lost weight.

"You're high."

Albus sneered. "Shut the fuck up."

Scorpius closed his eyes, regained his composure. Albus, his Albus, would never speak to him like this sober.

Scorpius caught Albus' wrist once more, but Albus resisted. Once he was free, he shoved Scorpius hard.

Scorpius shoved back harder.

Then Albus punched him.

The expression on Scorpius' face and the realization of what he'd done caused Albus's eyes to widen.

And then he was running, disappearing into the crowd, and Scorpius didn't try to stop him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: So. This is where things start to go crazy. The true madness ensues, and Albus' sanity really does start to become lost. If you don't want to read this, or you don't like the ending here, then you can check out the _alternate ending_, a happy ending, I wrote. It was actually the original ending, but I wasn't happy with it. I wanted something more dramatic, something that fit in with the rest of the story. That's how "Sanity Lost" happened in the first place. I wanted someone to lose his or her mind. So, I'm going to post it separately from this story. It'll probably be titled something like "Sanity Lost: Alternate Ending" because I'm so original and everything :P**

**I really need to start writing things that are less depressing.**

* * *

><p>His hands were shaking, and he didn't like it. He couldn't control himself, couldn't think, couldn't <em>anything<em>.

He dug into his trunk and took the vial out, smashing it into the wall.

Shaking, he was shaking.

Was it the drugs?

Yes.

Was it something else, too?

Yes.

Albus pushed himself to his feet and out of the dormitories. He needed something. He needed to make the empty, bad feelings go away.

He felt sick, but there was nothing in his stomach to throw up.

So he jumped.

The water was freezing, and it felt like needles covered every inch of his submerged body. The numbness came, a different, pleasant kind of numb. The kind that came from sensation. He was suddenly very thankful for the Black Lake.

He was walking toward the shore. The cold air had nothing on the cold water, but it was uncomfortable nonetheless, and he could not stop shaking.

Shaking.

Shaking.

And he was in the dorm. Everyone was asleep. Not Scorpius. Scorpius sat up in his bed expressionless. He looked up when Albus shut the door.

Albus fell to his knees.

"I'm sorry," he whimpered.

Helping him to his feet, Scorpius led Albus to the shower room and lifted the soaking wet shirt over his head and dropped it on the floor. Next, he helped the boy with his zipper – his hands were too numb and blue to be of any use – and pushed him into a stream of hot water. The heat on his cold skin made Albus shiver.

After it was done, Scorpius took a towel to Albus, still expressionless. Albus was warm now, but he still felt cold. The water had forced the biting chill deeper inside of him.

Scorpius started with his hair, then his torso, then the rest of his body. He looked away as Albus slipped off his soaking wet boxers and turned back once he had a fresh pair on. Scorpius found him pajama bottoms, then led him to his own bed, the one by the window.

"Don't leave," Albus whispered, and the Slytherin allowed himself to be pulled into the bed next to him.

"I won't," Scorpius whispered in return. Albus pulled himself as close to Scorpius as he possibly could, hoping to feel the boy's warmth, to make the cold go away, far away.

"Thanks for helping me," Albus murmured, eyes drifting closed as he tucked his head into the other boy's chest.

"Thanks for letting me." He felt the blonde boy smile.

* * *

><p>When Albus Potter woke up alone, he knew it was too good to be true. He could never fall asleep with the man he loved, for the fates weren't ones to pull favors for the undeserving, and undeserving he was.<p>

The problem was that he could not remember what was real and what was not.

His hands were shaking again, and suddenly he wasn't sure whether he was having a nightmare or not.

Crawling out of bed, he changed quickly and went to the Great Hall for breakfast.

When he saw Scorpius, his stomach dropped. A bruise covered half of his face.

"I'm so sorry," Albus blurted. Seeing the bruise that he caused made him so sick, it hurt to breathe.

"For what?" Scorpius asked.

"For hitting you." Albus looked at his hands.

"What are you talking about?" Scorpius questioned.

Albus looked up again.

The bruise was gone. Scorpius' face was back to its original beauty.

"I…" Albus whispered, then stood. "I don't feel well."

"Al, wait!"

Albus ran from the Great Hall, barely noticing the whispers that followed him.

* * *

><p>Albus didn't leave the dorm again until dinnertime. He wasn't hungry, but he wanted to see the world again. Just to make sure.<p>

Oh, the strange dreams he'd been having.

He ran into Scorpius on his way down the stairs.

"Hey," Scorpius said, putting his arms out and steadying Albus by his waist. "You should be in bed. Madam Pomphrey said you have to rest a few more days."

Confusion and something else clouded his mind. "No, I'm fine."

Scorpius shook his head. "No, now come back to bed with me."

"But it's dinnertime."

Pausing, Scorpius turned to face Albus. "Didn't you check the clock? It's past midnight."

"I…"

"Come on," Scorpius said. "It's been cold lately, so I'll lay with you tonight."

"Thank you…" Albus whispered.

"Don't tell anyone I'm a softie, but I'll do anything for my boyfriend when he's sick." Scorpius grinned.

"I'm not sick."

"You are," Scorpius whispered, leaning close and running his fingers through Albus' hair. "Sick in the head…"

His kiss burned.

* * *

><p>He hid in the library.<p>

"Albus?" Lily called. "What's wrong?"

Albus shivered. Cold, he was always cold.

Lily placed and hand on his shoulder.

"Don't touch me."

She withdrew her hand quickly, face stricken.

"I don't understand."

"You aren't real, Lily," Albus said.

Lily stood. "What are you saying?"

Albus cackled.

"I'm going to find help," Lily said. "Chris, watch him!"

Chris. When had he gotten here? He stepped forward as Lily disappeared between the bookshelves.

Chris leaned in and whispered, "I'll keep you safe."

Then he reached inside Albus, closed his fist around his stomach, and twisted.

* * *

><p>"Albus," Lily called. "Focus."<p>

Albus blinked. "Yeah, Lily?"

"Albus, what's wrong?"

Albus' eyebrows drew together. Something wasn't right.

"I'm unwell."

"I don't understand, Albus."

"I said I don't feel well."

It was like she couldn't hear him. Couldn't tell he what he was saying, that he was even speaking.

"I'm going to find help," Lily said. "Chris, watch him!"

Chris stepped forward, and Albus lurched away.

Not twice. His stomach already hurt too much.

* * *

><p>"You said we're celebrating," Scorpius said. "What, exactly, do we have to celebrate? Besides the fact that we have a two-foot-long essay due in DADA."<p>

Albus just knocked back his drink and took Scorpius'. It was a taste he used to hate, but now tolerated.

A slow, sure poison. A tonic to end misery. End suffering.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note Two: I'm sorry if this seems confusing and all-over-the-place, but that's kind of the point. You know. "Sanity Lost" and all.<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: I'm pretty sure this is the last chapter. If I had taken more time, I probably could have expanded on the entire story a bit more, but I had already written it out, and just typed all of this in the past few days. I wasn't interested in doing any serious amount of editing.**

**If you want me to add more to the story, you should message me. I'll definitely take your opinions into consideration.**

**Also, if you have any ideas for fanfiction that you really want me to write, you should send them to me! It doesn't have to be super dramatic, it can be humorous or be surrounded by a lot of family. Anything goes, really.**

**Please, please enjoy this (possibly) final chapter, and remember that there's an **_**alternate ending**_** if you want to check that out.**

The lights were bright, and the voices were hushed.

"He isn't waking up. Why isn't he waking up?"

Someone was crying. It sounded like Lily, but he knew it was Ginny.

He had never heard his mother cry before.

"Alby, please wake up…" Someone pleaded.

He felt a warm body against him, and he shuddered.

_Not again…please, not again._

"Albus?"

He opened his green eyes and they met tired blue-gray ones.

"Thank God," Scorpius whispered, running his fingers over Albus' face. "They said you might not wake up, and I was so scared – "

"Am I dreaming?" Albus asked quietly.

Scorpius leaned forward and whispered in Albus' ear, "Does this feel like a dream to you?"

The kiss burned.

_Thunk._

Scorpius blinked in surprise. One minute, he was laying with the man he loved, and they were sharing their first kiss, one that Scorpius _knew_ they had both always wanted, and the next he was pushed out of the hospital bed and onto the hard tile.

"Not again, not again…please, no, not again." Albus was pacing, clawing at his arms. His eyes were wild.

"Al! Albus, what are you doing?" Scorpius asked, standing and stepping cautiously toward the other man.

"What's happening to me?" Albus cried, turning and slamming his head into the wall.

"Stop it! Stop!" Scorpius cried, yanking the frail boy to his chest.

"Let me go," the crazed man growled. His arms were beginning to bleed and he was thrashing, struggling to break free. Scorpius didn't know how much longer he could hold him.

"Help!" Scorpius screamed. "Help, somebody help me, please!"

A moment later, a woman appeared in the doorway. Taking in the scene before her, she muttered something to a cabinet that sent a syringe floating toward her. She promptly stuck Albus with it.

He struggled for a few more moments before slumping against Scorpius' chest.

"I can't tell." He was sobbing now. "I can't tell what's real and what's not."

"Take him back to bed," the medi-witch commanded gruffly. "The boy can't stand on his own."

Scorpius took the dark-haired wizard back to the hospital bed and laid him down.

"Don't leave," Albus pleaded.

Scorpius looked at the witch who nodded. "Anyone asks, and I didn't know you were here."

Scorpius crawled into bed with Albus and took his hand.

"I can't remember," he said. "I can't tell. I was in the Black Lake. Freezing. Shaking. I hit you."

"No…" Scorpius shook his head.

"Tell me what happened."

Scorpius gave him a reassuring smile. "I'll tell you in the morning."

Albus woke with a start. Scorpius was asleep beside him. That was unusual for his hallucinations. Yes, hallucinations. That's what they were. He had decided. His mind was gone, sanity lost, and in this moment, he would end it. End the hell.

He couldn't take it anymore.

Searching the drawers quietly, Albus found a scalpel. A sharp object. He was familiar with those. Often, his depression would have a numbing effect. He had to cut in order to feel.

First his left wrist, then his right. Then his forearms. Then the inner elbow.

When the blood began to flow, he felt the pain. And for once, he knew this was real. Not another hallucination.

"Albus?"

Scorpius' expression went from concerned to horrorstruck when he realized what Albus had done.

"I'm sorry," Albus said, because he was.

And then he collapsed.


End file.
